I’m crazy about her but not about me

So big fucking surprise to everyone im sure but the douchebag whose always bitching about life and drugs and mental health being shitty on this blog actually has alot of trouble making close relationships, friendships or even just a person to simply state that if given the choice they would prefer you not be dead. I have one friend who has been through alot of similar situations that ive been in and if I need help or advice I know that he'd be there for me. Yes im talking about my bald, toothless and angry when drunk friend Geno. He aside I havent had a decent friend in 5 or 6 years about the time I had my complete life downfall in which I lost everyone who I thought cared about me. I had one girlfriend in those 6 years for 2 of them and boy did we ever hate each other. It eventually ended with me losing house, car, attempting suicide, driving cross country with my meth head crazy sister who had to physically prevent me several times from trying to crash the car I was driving hopefully killing us both. I landed in a Nevada looney bin for a couple weeks for the whole endangerment thing and the fact that i was driving high on meth, heroin, and morphine. I literally think i got off pretty lucky the looney bin wasnt bad at all. Eventually my parents decided to pick me up and move my sad ass in with them in fucking idaho and shortly after my sister severed contact with me and moved to california because she couldnt handle knowing I was willing to let her die as long as I died too. Very selfish of me I am aware. So sadly ive been in their house, depressed, fat, sad, unable to hold a job, constantly drunk or drugged for a year and a half now. I had a couple sad boy cutting incidents that got me a visit in the boise nuthouse but after that I cut out several drugs, cut down on most and dont drink til im pissing myself anymore. I've been like that for a couple months now but the whole time...YES, the whole fucking year and a half I didnt have a single connection other than Geno and woman wise the most action i got was a hug from my aunt at christmas and yes of course i masterbated to the thought later. Not surprisingly at the age of 33 I dont really have a high opinion of myself even if im no longer frequenting glory holes. I'm also aware that most women are attracted to confidence of which I have none so I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that my penis would be seen and held by my eyes only for the rest of my life. With this knowledge I went to the local bar I frequent and began my usual routine of drinkin alone, looking miserable while others around me have a good time with others and only making conversation with the bartenders who have to talk to me cuz its their fucking job. So although i dont believe there is a god in the sky and if there is I know for a fact that he hates everything about me and I his non existent ass as well a really beautiful woman, super out of my league, super weird which im into, super dorky, apparently rich but doesnt like to talk about it (even though money means little more to me than holding out the hope of someday not living in a room across the hall from my parents and nephew), and to top it all off she has a FETISH for chubby guys. So since im schizoeffective most of the time were talking I'm very suspiscious that she was flirting with me as a joke and the night would end with me crying and shitting in a bathroom stall while she blew a handsome, EMPLOYED, thin man who doesnt hate himself in the stall next to me. I enjoyed the attention though so I kept up my very self deprecating flirt routine that has a 100 percent failure average but I never ever forget the words. Somehow she found my sadness charming and the night actually ended with me not using my tears for lube but her saliva and again, she really pretty with big ol titties, I real slobby with big ol man titties. She gives me what I assume is a fake number and goes home and I do the same all the while grinning like I won the fucking lottery(A YEAR AND A HALF!!). I talk to her the next day and she's actually sober this time so I figure she would see me in person, hate herself for letting me put my tiny but asthetically pleasing penis inside her, quickly leave and I assume commit suicide later that night. No that didnt fucking happen, shes a fucking psycho who is legit into sad tubby guys but at this point when im really questioning her mental well being and decision making skills she mentions that she's married.....yup, to another fat guy who apparently makes alot of money and is probably alot more positive about life than me and for me marriage is a sacred vow so I announce to the bartenders that I would not be seeing her again after she leaves cuz im not that kind of douchbag. I'm a worse kind of douchebag who is so ridiculously overjoyed to have some sort of human contact with someone way out of his league in looks, class, status, confidence and surprisingly is almost as funny as me that I was willing to beat her husband to death with a handful of spaghetti over several days for the chance to see her again. She's super upbeat and jokey all the time but still hates her life which I totally love and relate to. Over the next couple days I see her more and more and we both really seem to like each other so I signed a contract guaranteeing ill go to hell and have been acting like a gay dude in front of her husband just so I can be around her more. Now most people who know me would say its not much of a stretch for me to act gay but thats mostly because in idaho im barely considered a man. I'm from san francisco but there im like a drugged up tough straight guy because in comparison to all the floating around twinks blowing each other on the sidewalk im very masculine but here im a sloppy elton john. So her and I both dont have jobs and were texting each other all the time because for some reason she doesnt have friends either. Suddenly im an emotional trainwreck because I've been so sad and depressed and lonely and pathetic for 5 or 6 fucking years now. I had absolutely forgotten happiness and being around her makes me really happy and want to make her happy because I want to see her smile and laugh. So I think the combination of unaccustomed sudden joy mixed with me no longer taking my schizoeffective medication led to me having a schizo episode. I ordered all the trimming too. I bit my nails til they all bled, I locked myself in my room and didnt eat or sleep but constantly cried and threw up and obsessed over my blog and fixing my computer all the while bombarding her with crazy fuck schizo text after crazy fuck schizo text which had such gems as me telling her that I thought she was a whore who was getting gangbanged but that I wasnt judging her because thats her right as a woman. After that it was kinda her idea that we shouldnt hang out for a while and I in a moment of lucidity surrouded by paranoid, suspiscious and just fucking ridiculous thoughts I agreed I shouldnt be seen while in episode. It is now post episode and im supposed to see her tomorrow. She said everything is fine and she isnt scared of my condition and she still wants to know me but ive lost so many friends and relationships due to my craziness with schizo that I am worried she's gonna rethink it and decide im too much baggage too quickly and she's gonna cut things off. Its fucking terrifying to not feel happiness for 6 fucking years then have one person make you wanna change every shitty thing about yourself because you think it will please them and you just want them to smile and laugh and be happy too and yeah the fake gay situation isnt ideal but you just like them so much and like yourself like u never have without drugs, and u start to imagine a vague future where you dont die alone homeless on the street with dick in ur mouth and a needle in your arm like uve always assumed but a future where maybe your just a boring guy, with a boring job but you still dont feel like a loser because your so happy with the person you get to hug every day. Sometimes I really have to stop and process how exceedingly pathetic I allow myself to sound on this blog but inevitably I think its good for me and if Schizo david didnt scare her off maybe pathetic putting all his feelings on the table guy will. I probably shouldnt show it to her but im desperate for attention and probably will. I've just never had someone make me want to do better for myself so i guess im hopeful. Okay after re reading this im pretty sure I am just gay now so im gonna go blow some dudes and make them happy