Feeling a little erratic

So I'm getting ready to have a schizo episode because I'm suddenly depressed and stressed and for some reason started crying like a little bitch when a cashier asked me if I wanted paper or plastic. I haven't slept in 3 nights and I'm starting to think in circles again. These are all bad signs pointing towards crazy davo. My life is a giant pile of shit but because I'm in love with someone who I'll never have life seems a little better momentarily but more tragic in the end. Since this dream girl of mine made it clear that because she is actually married and I'm a homewrecker by definition alone we cannot be having an exclusive relationship. I think she just wants to bone other guys but whatever I get to love her even if she doesn't love me. So I've been considering other avenues for getting a stable girlfriend who wants to be with me but then I realized I have no job, apartment, car, money or prospects other than hopefully getting disability in 6months. Its undebatable I'm a total loser but if you'd ever read my blog before you would already know that. The one thing I have that makes no sense whatsoever is a little bit of hope left. Just a small piece that suddenly shit might work out for me and this time I'll keep the job, I'll get the girl, I'll make the money, I'll be happy. That hope just simply refuses to die in me and I hate that it won't because I want to just accept my shit life for what it is so hope hurts. I'm gonna lose my license in a couple weeks so I won't be able to see my beautiful married girl anymore. I'm scared/excited/sad/happy for the day she finally drops me for a better model of man and I will most likely lose that last spark of hope I've kept alive all these years. Its a very confusing, frustrating and emotionally exhausting time in my life right now so go eat a dick if u don't like my rants right now. My smelly badger might care for me one day.