why i am where i am

I was at my favorite bar being served by the one bartender there that always treated me coldly. I finally asked her "why the fuck do u hate me, what did I do to you" instead of her answering with a lie saying she doesn't hate me this bitch gave me the truth. She told me that I seem to live my life as if there were no consequences to anything that I do and a person like that is dangerous. I was a little sad that I wasnt actually imagining her hatred but I fucking loved her reasoning. She is absolutely right i never worry about consequence which is partially why I'm a drugged up loser who cant hold a job longer than a week but ironically this lifestyle is the consequence for all the shit I did when I was a wealthy software engineer working at a very famous web search website with a wife, two cars, motorcycle, an apartment on the beach and making 150,000 a year but what I had most was a secret raging morphine/fentanyl addiction. Over a period of two weeks beginning the day before Christmas eve I let my addiction take over and went on a drinking, crack smoking and for the first time heroin with drug dealers, hookers, pimps and homeless people bender. My wife spent Christmas eve with the police reporting me as a missing person since I was too busy being a dildo to even call and tell her I was alive. I showed up at home 5 days later. My wife didn't say a word to me she just started packing her stuff and left me that night. A couple days later I went to work high on morphine and wearing a fentanyl patch but apparently it was a little too much for me and I fell asleep while giving a presentation in front of a group of my coworkers and bosses. So yeah I was unable to explain that so I was fired and the company blacklisted me so I could no longer work as a software engineer anywhere. My savings kept me in the apartment for a year but I spent all my money on drugs and hookers. I sold my cars for cash for drugs in the same year. I had a psychotic breakdown during a meth bender and abandoned my motorcycle in the woods because I was convinced people were tracking me by it. I came back a week later and it was gone. I no longer owned anything or had a place to go. All of my friends had given up on me when Gina(wife) left me. I now live with my parents in Idaho and I'm a total loser in the highest form. So I think I've experienced consequence enough to last a lifetime. So now yes I do live life like a 34 year old drugged up child who hates rules and makes no apologies for always being a hot mess and tries not to think past the current day. I guess this kind of life is scary to people but I enjoy it . If you dont have anything then you don't have anything to lose. Anyway I totally have a crush on that moody bitch now and hopefully ill win her over by my charms and incredible good looks.