Where is everyone

Losing friends, at least when they are good friends is rough thing to go through. At the age of 32 I have lost every friend that I cared about. For most of my life I found it hard to actually care for a person if I didnt consider them a friend. We all have acquantinces but if suddenly they died in a horrible way like something from a final destination movie you probably wouldnt even go to the funeral. Thats how I think at least. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe I am. I have tried to understand how I got to the point where I only valued people in my immediate circle. Ive never volunteered, I dont dont give big charity donations or contribute to making society as a whole better in any way. Without looking I have become so shut off to problems on a global scale. I dont follow politics or news really because I feel like if it doesnt effect me then why the fuck would I care? Aids in africa? Dont care, Caronavirus kills thousands? Well Im not gonna get it. I am streaming through this life like im invisible to everyone or they are invisible to me…or were all invisible and its all just one big fucking joke to even try to leave a footprint.

I was streaming on meetme the other day and I spoke with a woman who asked me “What productive things have you been doing during the shutdown?” I thought it was a hilarious question. How could someone put that kind of pressure on a stranger? Does production equal happiness? Are you lifted onto a higher plane in life if you accomplish things that can be visually measured and accounted for? What is the worth of someone who doesnt produce anything but just enjoys life for its immediate pleasures ? Did they waste their life because they didnt write a book, have kids, or personally stop global warming? I am 32 and the only thing I own is this website. Although it seems like I am a complete failure in life I can still have value. We cant all be presidents, or CEOs. Production may lead to good things for you but for me it uses up too much time. 4 years of college to then work for the next 30 years, then a divorce, then a retirement home, then your dead. Or I could live my own life without the worry of producing a goddamn thing and suddenly I have all the time in the world. I can go to beach every day, do drugs anytime I want, never worry about picking up the kids at school. Is that so bad? I dont think it is but when other people see this lifestyle it is condemned and pitied. What am I missing in this equation? Why do you all need to prove something? Who aside from you will ever say that you havent done enough? Maybe God or a higher power actually does measure your worth in accomplishments but im a fucking atheist so what does that mean to me? Stop the shaming of the lazy, self involved drunks, druggies and general lowlife and try to understand that sometimes a life well lived is just semantics.