So I spent the last few days getting high, drinking, spending hours on the new facebook I created, watching porn (I found myself crazy high and I was so fucked up it took me over an hour to realize the bitch with the nice tits also had a bigass dick.) To top it all off I spent part of it in the emergency room because I was vomiting blood. Turns out I either have cancer or an ulcer. They told me that if it was an ulcer my drug use would make it worse and worse. They didnt tell me too much about the cancer part because they didnt want to freak me out I think until they get results on tests. Little did they know that if it is cancer I would never do a goddamn thing about it I would let it take me with open arms. I’m missing the part of me that other people seem to enjoy, the part for self preservation. I do not care if I live or die. Its not that i dont fear death or anything its that at this point it just doesnt matter to me. I may sound depressed but its something other than depression its an acceptance of chaos and order at the same time. Sometimes our lives go exactly as planned and nothing new seems to ever happen. Other times it is fraught with adventure and crazy shit then you just up and die from something simple that just seemed not to fit. I love being me. I love who I am but I hate my place in the world. I feel so at peace with the type of person I am but I dont understand why people dont love me that I love so much. I dont understand why people dont like me and want to spend time with me. I’m very lonely but I feel like its a loneliness that could only be felt by someone truly uniquely disliked and unimportant to everyone else that it makes me special to me. I sound like a fucking idiot but who gives a shit. I told a couple of people I am sick and it was nice to see two people Chantel and Geno seem like they showed actual concern. It also hurt quite a bit to see 3 others clearly not give a fuck but thats not their problem so I cant fault them. If I am dying and people do some digging and find this website I hope they know I enjoyed most of life. I miss and love Michelle more than anything I ever thought I could and no matter how shit I turned out my parents were always there for me. Im probably fine though im just an emotional little bitch sometimes and dont have many people to talk to so I put it here and force the dumb douchebags with too much time on their hands to read my shitty blog.